Mindflight

The First Church of the Fourth Wall

When someone asks me whether I go to church, this is what I should say.

“Sure. I’m an Atheist, but I go to the First Church of the Fourth Wall.”

They might say “what in the world is that?”

And I’d say, “We all believe that life is some form of fiction for someone else’s entertainment, so we believe that we need to live lives that are as entertaining and dramatic as possible. We have three different sects at the moment, but because there aren’t that many of us we all still go to the same church.

“One sect of this church believes that we’re all in a movie or a TV show. Another says that we’re part of a webcomic or other type of serial graphic story. The third, the one I’m part of, believes we’re all player characters in some giant role playing campaign, and I really want to have a word with my GM!”

The GM is not a god, by the way. The Game Master, or Mistress, is very fallible, very human, often loses notes, and can occasionally be bribed to fudge die rolls with pizza.

A Tale of Two Bumpers

Jokes and Humor, Thoughts About Life

Once upon a time, I was driving home in my beloved Hyundai Elantra. I was sitting quietly in the turn lane, waiting for the green arrow, after dark.

WHAM!

I looked around, saw a large silver pickup behind me. I drove to the nearest parking lot, stopped, got out. The driver was a 16 year old girl in her dad’s pickup. “My foot slipped off the brake.” (Wouldn’t have happened if you were driving a standard, you ninny, because we were on flat ground!)

Fine. We exchanged insurance information. In the light of day I noticed a biiiig dent in the back bumper that I hadn’t seen at the parking lot. So I called their insurance for a claim. It was Geico. I have Progressive.

Geico says “fine, we’ll fix it or we’ll pay for it.” It sounded good. Now, a dent in a modern bumper involves replacing the shell that is over the real bumper. It’s about a thousand dollar repair, typically, if you use factory parts. Geico tried to tell me they could take the dent out by restretching the plastic. I talked to my mechanic, he said no, you need to replace the shell, because that area is going to be weak and you can’t just fix a dent in plastic. Not one like that, anyway.

More go-arounds between Geico and Progressive, and Progressive didn’t do squat to help me. I was being about $480 to pay for the repair. In the mean time, I was having to drive this modern Chevy rental while my car was in the shop, waiting to be fixed.

The Chevy was a whole other issue. The modern love of side impact air bags meant it had high doors, the car had a high stance, and the side posts were so thick it affected visibility. It had a million distractions and creature comforts inside but it drove and felt like a bubble.

The fight with Geico continued. They kept wanting to only cover substandard repairs. Eventually the claims adjuster became such a problem that my mechanic had to throw him off his lot – and Geico magnanimously offered a whole $90 extra… so I decided to give up the effort, turn the renal back in, and get my car back. I wanted to drive a real car again.

Now, I returned my carefully watched, pristine Chevy back to Enterprise. They did an inspection and found an almost invisible bit of spidering in the paint. The said I was liable for it – even though I hadn’t run into anything and had parked in protected areas. The said “oh, for damage like that, you have to replace the whole bumper cover, it’s a $1200 repair!”

Luckily, my partner kept at them till they agreed to look back at the last three renters of that car to see if any of them had reported damage. Eventually I got a letter back saying I was cleared of all liability.

I don’t want to deal with Geico again, they acted like crooks. Enterprise didn’t make me happy either. And I never, ever want to drive a modern Chevy again!

Give me my high performance, road hugging, good visibility, standard transmission, low distraction, 2006 Hyundai Elantra any day, dents or no. She’s tried and tested.

Better Posture for a Better Life

Healthy Living, Personal Growth

Has anyone heard this as a kid? “Sit up straight! Stand up straight!”

It looks like Mom, or Grandma, had the right idea. Not only can good posture make you look taller and thinner, but it also improves your ability to breathe, makes you look more confident, reduces your stress level, improves your concentration, and even improves your mood!

Wait, what?

It’s true.

While good posture obviously isn’t a cure-all, it’s an often overlooked aspect to life. Your body works better when important internal organs aren’t squished, your bones and muscles support you more evenly too. As mentioned before, you breathe better. And your brain releases neurotransmitters that make you feel more in control of things.

Slouching can actually sap your energy, while moving your arms can make you feel more lively. It’s all here in this article from Medical Daily:

Change Your Posture To Improve Your Mood, Memory, And 5 Other Aspects Of Your Life

http://www.medicaldaily.com/change-your-posture-improve-your-mood-memory-and-5-other-aspects-your-life-289724

I’ve actually seen this work. When I sit up straight and breathe deeply, or walk with my head up and shoulders back, I feel better, more confident. In this case, mood is affected by behavior rather than the other way around. When I’m feeling low, I can change my mood by changing my posture.

To me, that’s incredibly powerful. For those of us who feel stuck in moods, this can be a great way out.

The Sneakernet of Things

Jokes and Humor, Science and Techology

You’ve probably heard of the Internet of Things. Refrigerators that detect when you are out of groceries and order more. Remotely operated home security systems, thermostats, nanny cams. Home appliances that communicate with each other.

Amazon has a service called Amazon Dash. You attach an electronic tag to your items that you buy frequently, like dish soap, zip-lock bags, moisturizer, etc. You push the button when you run low, and it sends a signal to an app on your phone that orders the item. This seems a little excessive to me.

Recently I developed a new, fresh, cutting edge way to handle my errands and household chores. I call it “The Sneakernet of Things.”

It’s revolutionary. Here’s how the system works for getting groceries, for example. At the beginning of the week, I lay out a unit of this flattened, dried wood pulp product I have a large stock of. I like to call it a “sheet of paper.” As I use up each food item during the week, I enter the data using a tubular, refillable item called a PEN. At the end of the week, when I go out of my house, I take along this very sheet of paper (foldable for easy storage) and I use it at the grocery store to make sure I get all my items. It’s instant access, no shipping charges, no waiting time. See? Told you it was amazing.

I also do something called “airgapping my appliances.” None of my household appliances talk to each other or have a data connection. My house is completely proof against hacking, in fact. The microwave won’t talk to the fridge, the thermostat doesn’t try to call my phone, my can opener has no cache files about what cans I’ve opened, and nobody on the internet knows exactly how bananas I eat.

The benefits of this Sneakernet of Things extends even to my vehicle. It has no GPS, no hands free phone system, no ONSTAR, no tracking device, and no internet access of any kind. It’s also a manual so I even shift my gears myself. It won’t brake unless I press the pedal, it won’t accelerate unless I tell it to. It won’t auto start either. It won’t beep in my ear when I change lanes. It can’t be hacked unless you plug something into the OBD port. I use it to bring my groceries home.

The Pharmacy Time Machine

Jokes and Humor

A member called me and said “My doctor authorized me to get three pills a day. WHY am I only being sent two pills a day?”

I asked for the prescription number. It dated back to 2010. This happened in 2014.

“It must be an old bottle,” she said. “But why am I only getting two a day? My prescription says three a day.”

I asked her when the last time was that she got medicine from us.

“I’m expecting it any day now,” she said. “You’re supposed to be sending it. I have the prescription right here.”

“Have you sent it in yet?”

“No. But it says three a day.”

Okay, let me get this straight. The last bottle this person has from us dates from four years ago. We have to have the prescription, of course, before we can send medicine.

She isn’t asking me why we haven’t sent the medicine yet, she’s asking me why her bottle, now, says two a day. So she’s asking me in effect why her prescription, that she is holding in her hand and hasn’t sent in, doesn’t change the bottle that she got four years ago to read “three a day.”

I politely told her she had to send in her prescription and we would be happy to send her three a day.

“Oh,” she said, as if it was a new idea. She was not elderly. She was a working professional. Who apparently thinks I have a time machine.

More Strands of White Hair

Jokes and Humor

The other day, someone called in who wanted to know the price of a med. Fine, that’s what I do. (That’s what I… That’s what I…) Then I asked her what it was. She said “It’s new.” I said “Okay, great, and if you can give me the name I can look the price up.” She said “It’s probably not even covered. My plan doesn’t cover new medications.” I offered to check just to make sure. Turned out she didn’t even know the name of the thing. Before you think I’m making fun of some lovely creaky old lady who mmight be confused, know this frightening fact… this was a practicing nurse in her fifties.

Then a doctor’s office called. They wanted to send us an electronic prescription. I told them that it would work better to find us using our fax number as a serach term because it is unique, unlike our name. This took about four increasingly simple explanations to get across.

We aren’t immune either. I could have strangled a fellow rep who didn’t know what a benefits office was. For folks who don’t work with insurance, the benefits office is the place that provides the benefits – like HR at a company if you work there, for example. This agent had been though a six week training and had at least a few months on the floor and still didn’t know this extremely basic fact. They thought we, the pharmacy, were the benefits office. I sure wanted to give them a wall to wall coaching session! The capper came when I closed out the call. I said to this agent “is there anything else I can help you with?” They said, and I quote, “you’re welcome, no problem!” and hung up.

Here’s one more that just happened. A person callied, mid forties, wanting a refill. He seemed pretty on the ball… at first. Not heavily medicated, on just one or two things. Problem: he called to refill when he had one pill left. He knows we’re mail order. He should also know why mail is associated with snails. Next problem: This med is meant to be taken once a day. His bottle said no refills. That means you allow a little extra time for the doctor to get back to us. Yes, the refills can be seen on the label. Next problem: He hadn’t ordered this med since LAST YEAR, August 4th. I write this on April 13th.

I had to know what was up. I asked “you should have run out months ago, have you been filling this locally?” He said “but you sent ninety pills…”

Yes. We sent ninety pills. Charitably speaking, 250 days ago!

Don’t be him.

Famous Nostrils of Ancient Egypt

Jokes and Humor

In reading translations of some old papyri, discovered in the 1800s, I found something that made me absolutely crack up laughing. Apparently, at some point at least, it was considered polite to heap good wishes upon a ruler’s nostril.

You read that right.

His nostril!

For example, in the Adventures of Sanehat (which is a pretty good story, by the way), the main character writes this to the King Keper-ka-ra:

“Thou, the Good God, Lord of both Lands, Loved of Ra, Favourite of Mentu, the lord of Thebes, and of Amen, lord of thrones of the lands, of Sebek, Ra, Horus, Hathor, Atmu, and of his fellow-gods, of Sopdu, Neferbiu, Samsetu, Horus, lord of the east, and of the royal uraeus which rules on thy head, of the chief gods of the waters, of Min, Horus of the desert, Urrit, mistress of Punt, Nut, Harnekht, Ra, all the gods of the land of Egypt, and of the isles of the sea. May they give life and peace to thy nostril, may they load thee with their gifts, may they give to thee eternity without end, everlastingness without bound.”

Later, in the same letter, he says:

“O thou who art beloved of Ra, of Horus, and of Hathor; Mentu, lord of Thebes, desires that thy august nostril should live for ever.”

Still later, in another scene, the God-King’s children say “May the goddess Nub give life to thy nostril; May the mistress of the stars favour thee, when thou sailest south and north.”

I laughed so hard when I saw this. However, I can kind of think of why this would be a blessing. The nostril is where the breath comes in, after all, so it could be considered holy for that reason – the ancient Egyptians were very symbolicly minded. Also, since I live in a desert, I can relate to the truly titanic nose boulders that form when you combine dry air and blowing dust. Wishing someone a lively, peaceful nostril starts sounding pretty good to me.

Also, this could be as simple as “hey, I’m glad you’re still breathing, I hope the gods keep it that way!” with the breath being synonymous with life. Either way, it’s hilarious.

The Egyptian Nose story doesn’t end here. Tutankhamun had a professional nose picker. His wage was three head of cattle, plus food and lodging. Not too bad pay for digging out the boy king’s nose gold.

So, when you really want to show some monarch (like your boss) some respect, wish them a happy nostril!

Sources:

Egyptian Tales, First Series, IVth To XIIth Dynasty Translated From The Papyri, Second Edition, by W. M. Flinders Petrie (1899)

The Book of Bad Habits, By Frank C. Hawkins, Greta L. B. Laube, MD (2010)

The Adult Book Store

Jokes and Humor

Someday, I want to run a place called “The Adult Book Store.” When you come in, you would find a comfortable, friendly environment, filled with resources of all kinds. There would be advice on picking out real estate, books on home repair, financial planning, cooking, raising children, home defense, history, gardening, brewing, vinting, health, and self improvement.

I’d have good books on ~~tape~~ CD like Tom Clancy, Robert Heinlein, L. Neill Smith and many others, as well as the most immortal classics. I might even stock adult coloring books. Maybe I’d have books on art and poetry and handicrafts. Maybe I’d have music or good classic movies. Everything an adult could need would be in my bookstore.

I’d probably have porn, too.

Is Bill O’Reilly predicting the next Jaffa invasion?

Jokes and Humor

Ba'al's_Jaffa.jpg — Photo used under Creative Commons. I don’t own it.

After all, he’s asking Donald Trump how he intends to employ black voters with tattoos on their foreheads. He acts like this is a common condition of underemployed black men!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/bill-oreilly-ill-educated-black-voters_us_570c92e7e4b01422324a08df

I don’t know if you’ve seen anyone with a forehead tattoo, let alone a black person with a forehead tattoo, anywhere except on Stargate. I sure haven’t. I’ve seen people with facial tattoos of other kinds on cheek, temple, neck, once in a blue moon the chin, but never on the forehead. In fact, I can’t think of any other group of people who regularly have forehead tattoos!

So, I have to ask, is there something Bill O’Reilly knows that we don’t? Are there groups of Jaffa, secretly living and working in our midst, or maybe not working because they can’t find jobs with their facial disfigurement? Is that why they go to work for Goa’uld System Lords, because they can’t find work elsewhere? I’d always thought the System Lord gave them the tattoo, but perhaps it’s the other way around?

Maybe Obama, who looks suspiciously like the System Lord Apophis, will decide to build a giant pyramid in DC as a public works project and also to land his starship on, and use all those Jaffa to guard it as we human slaves work on it?

apophis and obama
Whatever the case may be, shel kek nem ron.

The Magic Color Changing Rock

Jokes and Humor, Science and Techology

So I acquired this nice chunk of quartz recently. Lots of small crystals, some pyrite bits, and an intriguing shape. It has tinges of delicate green and very faint purple, with a darker green on the bottom shading into the white. Difficult to see in a photo, but here it is, modeling this bracelet:

Quartz, right?

Or so I thought.

I took it outside to get a better look, and was startled to find that nearly the whole thing was tinted with purple! Maybe a few light hints of green. The rock looked completely different!

I went back inside.

Green.

Outside.

Purple.

What the heck?
It’s not unknown for certain minerals to look different under different kinds of light, but this is the most obvious case of it I’ve seen outside a rocks and minerals study lab.

Looking it up online, I found Alexandrite, which does show green under artificial light and turns purplish under natural light – looks like my mystery is solved!

Wait… not so fast there, either.

Alexandrite is actually green under natural light but goes purple under artificial light, which is backwards from my mystery rock. So what exactly do I have anyway? Do I have Etirdnaxela?

After even more research, I was finally able to solve the mystery. It’s fluorite! Two things tell me that. One, the color change works the right way. And two, there’s a great big cubic structure in the rock – that’s what the big corner in the rock is!

So I tested it with a UV flashlight – and it fluoresced bright pinkish purple! That clinched it. The thing is fluorite!