The Sneakernet of Things

You’ve probably heard of the Internet of Things.  Refrigerators that detect when you are out of groceries and order more.  Remotely operated home security systems, thermostats, nanny cams.  Home appliances that communicate with each other.

Amazon has a service called Amazon Dash.  You attach an electronic tag to your items that you buy frequently, like dish soap, zip-lock bags, moisturizer, etc.  You push the button when you run low, and it sends a signal to an app on your phone that orders the item.  This seems a little excessive to me.

Recently I developed a new, fresh, cutting edge way to handle my errands and household chores.  I call it “The Sneakernet of Things.”

It’s revolutionary.  Here’s how the system works for getting groceries, for example.  At the beginning of the week, I lay out a unit of this flattened, dried wood pulp product I have a large stock of.  I like to call it a “sheet of paper.”  As I use up each food item during the week, I enter the data using a tubular, refillable item called a PEN.  At the end of the week, when I go out of my house, I take along this very sheet of paper (foldable for easy storage) and I use it at the grocery store to make sure I get all my items.  It’s instant access, no shipping charges, no waiting time.  See?  Told you it was amazing.

I also do something called “airgapping my appliances.”  None of my household appliances talk to each other or have a data connection.  My house is completely proof against hacking, in fact.  The microwave won’t talk to the fridge, the thermostat doesn’t try to call my phone, my can opener has no cache files about what cans I’ve opened, and nobody on the internet knows exactly how bananas I eat.

The benefits of this Sneakernet of Things extends even to my vehicle.  It has no GPS, no hands free phone system, no ONSTAR, no tracking device, and no internet access of any kind.  It’s also a manual so I even shift my gears myself.  It won’t brake unless I press the pedal, it won’t accelerate unless I tell it to.  It won’t auto start either.  It won’t beep in my ear when I change lanes.  It can’t be hacked unless you plug something into the OBD port.  I use it to bring my groceries home.