…then you might live in Tucson.

If you…

..turned your furnace on for the first time on November 17th,

…commonly see folks walking across a busy street with a stoplight just yards away,

…have doors held for you on a daily basis,

…know that chimichangas originated in Pima County,

…just saw 10% on the hygrometer and smile,

…think it’s not the holidays without tasty tamales,

…think bacon is a perfectly normal thing to wrap around a hot dog,

…know what a bolillo is,

…stop to wonder why bolillo isn’t in the spell check dictionary,

…check and fix the spelling to make sure,

…still wonder why it isn’t in the dictionary,

…regularly barbecue the Thanksgiving turkey,

…don’t act shocked when you see a T-rex by a McDonalds,

…know that mesquite beans are edible,

…have ever taken a swim the day after Christmas,

…wear a jacket when it’s below 70 degrees…

 

…then, you might live in Tucson.

The First Church of the Fourth Wall

When someone asks me whether I go to church, this is what I should say.

 

“Sure.  I’m an Atheist, but I go to the First Church of the Fourth Wall.”

They might say “what in the world is that?”

And I’d say, “We all believe that life is some form of fiction for someone else’s entertainment, so we believe that we need to live lives that are as entertaining and dramatic as possible.  We have three different sects at the moment, but because there aren’t that many of us we all still go to the same church.

“One sect  of this church believes that we’re all in a movie or a TV show.  Another says that we’re part of a webcomic or other type of serial graphic story.  The third, the one I’m part of, believes we’re all player characters in some giant role playing campaign, and I really want to have a word with my GM!”

The GM is not a god, by the way.  The Game Master, or Mistress, is very fallible, very human, often loses notes, and can occasionally be bribed to fudge die rolls with pizza.

The Pharmacy Time Machine

A member called me and said “My doctor authorized me to get three pills a day. WHY am I only being sent two pills a day?”

I asked for the prescription number. It dated back to 2010.  This happened in 2014.

“It must be an old bottle,” she said. “But why am I only getting two a day? My prescription says three a day.”

I asked her when the last time was that she got medicine from us.

“I’m expecting it any day now,” she said. “You’re supposed to be sending it. I have the prescription right here.”

“Have you sent it in yet?”

“No. But it says three a day.”

Okay, let me get this straight. The last bottle this person has from us dates from four years ago. We have to have the prescription, of course, before we can send medicine.

She isn’t asking me why we haven’t sent the medicine yet, she’s asking me why her bottle, now, says two a day. So she’s asking me in effect why her prescription, that she is holding in her hand and hasn’t sent in, doesn’t change the bottle that she got four years ago to read “three a day.”

I politely told her she had to send in her prescription and we would be happy to send her three a day.

“Oh,” she said, as if it was a new idea. She was not elderly. She was a working professional. Who apparently thinks I have a time machine.

The Adult Book Store

Someday, I want to run a place called “The Adult Book Store.”  When you come in, you would find a comfortable, friendly environment, filled with resources of all kinds.  There would be advice on picking out real estate, books on home repair, financial planning, cooking, raising children, home defense, history, gardening, brewing, vinting, health, and self improvement.

I’d have good books on tape CD like Tom Clancy, Robert Heinlein, L. Neill Smith and many others, as well as the most immortal classics.  I might even stock adult coloring books.  Maybe I’d have books on art and poetry and handicrafts.  Maybe I’d have music or good classic movies.  Everything an adult could need would be in my bookstore.

I’d probably have porn, too.

Is Bill O’Reilly predicting the next Jaffa invasion? 

Ba'al's_Jaffa.jpg
Photo used under Creative Commons.  I don’t own it.

 

After all, he’s asking Donald Trump how he intends to employ black voters with tattoos on their foreheads.  He acts like this is a common condition of underemployed black men!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/bill-oreilly-ill-educated-black-voters_us_570c92e7e4b01422324a08df

I don’t know if you’ve seen anyone with a forehead tattoo, let alone a black person with a forehead tattoo, anywhere except on Stargate.  I sure haven’t.  I’ve seen people with facial tattoos of other kinds on cheek, temple, neck, once in a blue moon the chin, but never on the forehead.   In fact, I can’t think of any other group of people who regularly have forehead tattoos!

So, I have to ask, is there something Bill O’Reilly knows that we don’t?  Are there groups of Jaffa, secretly living and working in our midst, or maybe not working because they can’t find jobs with their facial disfigurement?  Is that why they go to work for Goa’uld System Lords, because they can’t find work elsewhere?  I’d always thought the System Lord gave them the tattoo, but perhaps it’s the other way around?

Maybe Obama, who looks suspiciously like the System Lord Apophis, will decide to build a giant pyramid in DC as a public works project and also to land his starship on, and use all those Jaffa to guard it as we human slaves work on it?

 

apophis and obama
Whatever the case may be, shel kek nem ron.

A very odd question at work…

Yesterday, something rather surreal happened.  It made me laugh, but it also really made me think.

I work at a mail order pharmacy, one of the really big ones in the US.  I think we serve a third of the US population or something like that.  Anyway, I’m the one who tells you why things aren’t covered, helps you get things covered, helps you with your bill, tracks orders, solves mysteries.  My friend is one of our answer gals, the people we call when we can’t figure something out.  Usually those questions involve solving problems with insurance, or figuring out technical difficulties.  That’s all just a little background so you understand the story.

My friend, let’s call her Jean, came over during an impromptu break to tell me that one of my fellow reps had called her, very worried.   Ah, but what was the rather inexperienced rep worried about?  That’s the question.  Jean said that the rep had asked where to see how long the Masons had been involved with our company.

Full stop.

The Masons?

 

all-1295505_640

 

Turns out the member who had called in was something of a conspiracy theorist, and wanted to know how long the Masons had been involved with us, and the rep who took the call had not only thought it was a serious question but actually thought it would be somewhere in our databases and resources.

That would have been interesting enough.  The really funny part, at least to me, is that the rep kept hounding Jean about where this information could be found, and who should she call to get it, and also insisting it should be available in our resources.  Jean ended up telling her to give the member to Corporate, which is a perfect solution – they are paid more than us, let them handle a strange question like this.  The member was satisfied, Jean was satisfied, and even our rep was satisfied.

Then I started thinking about this.  What kind of a person calls up in the first place and asks a front line customer service representative about this type of thing?  It’s not like we have it listed in “SOP 66.6, Masonic and Illuminati Connections to the Mail Order Pharmacy,” and flagged as “business confidential, do not discuss.”

Logically, a bottom level worker wouldn’t know about it, and a top level corporate officer might, but they’d never tell.  This is the kind of thing you’d go to Wikileaks or Above Top Secret, or less reputable sources, to find!

I, being a smart ass, offered a different potential solution – we could look up the founding date of our company and just give her that.