Jokes and Humor – Page 4

Unexpexted Lion Dance

There I was, shopping in my favorite international supermarket.

I was just getting out of the frozen foods section, laden with tasty gyoza and chicken breast. I was checking out the tea section and heading to the front when I heard the most tremendous sound – it was like ten people firing belt fed machine guns at once! The sound went on and on, and it was deafening.

So I stopped where I was, made sure I was near cover, oriented, saw no no one panicking and put two and two together. So that’s what the odd red rope had been! I’d seen it coiled up in a shopping cart and attached to the outside sign of the store as I’d entered. It was a rope of fireworks, for Chinese New Year!

Much comforted, but ears still ringing, I made my way to the front. I wished the nice cashier a happy new year over the noise, paid, and headed toward the entrance–only to find a lion dance starting at the front door!

What’s a baffled Westerner to do? Stop, get my cart out of the way, smile and enjoy it! So I did! They had drums, cymbals or something that sounded like them, a red lion and a gold lion both worked by people dancing underneath the costume, a whole group of youths to take over when they teams got tired, and two guys with masks who were fanning at the lions and chasing the bad luck away. Caught up in it all, I had an amazing time.

When I came home a little late I had a really good excuse: “delayed by lion dance.” What an amazing experience. I’m going back next year.

These pictures were taken of this years event, like the one at the beginning of the post.

Here’s one of two ropes of fireworks!

Here’s the drummer, preparing to be really loud.

Two lions, one red, one gold…

The aftermath, showing all the firecrackers that went off.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Sarcastic Answers to Stupid Spam

Jokes and Humor

Here is a collection of spam questions, and sarcastic answers to it that I found funny. In the WebMD Answers forum I frequent, it’s better to put an answer on a spam post, because it causes the spam to drop off the ‘unanswered questions’ list while we’re waiting for moderators to delete it. So here are some of the more amusing pieces of spam, and their “answers.”

URLs have been deleted to avoid giving them any fame.

What does sleigh mean in cot beds?

Abacus Baby stock a wide range of baby products from pushchairs, car seats, cots and baby changing accessories, all at highly competitive prices.

It’s a magical cot bed that takes you on wild ride through a fantasy landscape adorned with snow. Watch out for the White Queen.

She might report you.

Flawless Elite Cream Reviews you have usual skin tone, moisturizing after daily must be enough, but should you have dried skin tone or skin tone using a situation you may want to look at moisturizing a second time every day :

Wow. How did you know?. I totally have dried skin tone AND skin tone using a situation! I can really use that “supplement.”

And… reported.

Today, I’m going to reduction out all of the important things that go into a dexterously meant bodybuilding diet and go ahead you how to put it all together for maximum efficiency

Today, I’m going to reduction out all the SPAM so that I can go on a dexterously meant spamtossing program.

Reported.

Dermafi Cream Reviews will find without any formulas available of which offers you a method to renew this misplaced firming tissue that you’ll require as a way to get rid of the bulk of this lines on your pores and skin by way of example.

Really? I have lines ON my PORES? Wow. How did I get those?

Reported.

Flawless Elite Cream Reviews These unique elements work magic in opposition to drying and breakouts, and can make it much easier for the elements for being absorbed to the skin tone. Aloe Notara itself is usually 100 percent healthy,

“Aloe Notara itself is usually 100 percent healthy.” Okay, great. But what about my skin when I put the stuff on me? I’m glad the plant is feeling well, but will I?

Reported.

Colon Rejuvenator Reviews thirty days just isn’t prolonged sufficient with regard to enhanced androgenic hormone or testosterone amounts in order to have an affect on muscle mass growth as well as growth.

As much as I would like to see my colon rejuvenated like a flower in the desert after Monsoon, I fail to see how testosterone has anything to do with it. Oh wait. It’s because this is SPAM.

Reported.

Add at least 1 cup of well-ventilated or sedated blueberries or supplementary berries a day to your diet.

I want to know where to buy well ventilated or sedated blueberries!

Things I thought when I was 5

Jokes and Humor

And now, for something a little more lighthearted.

Here’s a list of things I thought were true when I was 5!

(Note: I’m a black wearing, whiskey drinking metalhead now.)

When I was 5, pink was my absolute favorite color.

I loved Yoda and the Six Million Dollar Man, but had never seen either of them on screen. All I knew about them were what my dad had told me about them, and in the case of Yoda, I’d seen him on a library poster.

I thought you wore make up like a disguise, to drastically change your face, and I wanted a whole lot of it when I grew up. I also thought actors and actresses did that, and looked entirely different than they normally did in real life. Note, at that time I hadn’t seen any movies and I didn’t watch TV at all.

I also wanted to learn to wrestle, but when I heard that boys and girls couldn’t wrestle each other I said I’d wrestle my husband.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to be when I grew up but I kind of wanted to be a knight.

I already liked to draw, and I thought I’d never, ever learn to tie my shoes!

I was learning how to write and count around then, too, but I could already read well enough to finish a novel.

So, what kinds of things did you think when you were five years old?

Medical Advice – Volume 1

Jokes and Humor, Science and Techology

Sometimes I help out on a public medical advice board. Since these questions are already public, there’s no harm in sharing them here – along with my answers – for hopeful edification and maybe a little amusement.

Does the radiation emitted by infrared space heaters pose any health risks?

No more than any other kind of heat. Infrared radiation is just another name for heat, so there’s no health risk. Provided you don’t overheat yourself, of course.

are airbrush sets hazardous for your health?

I went to buy an air brush set ( with no paint added, this was just the spray gun) from Michaels.com and there was this warning label that read

“PROP 65: This product contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm”

is this true? ..are there safer air brush sets out there?

If you get involved with art using real paints and good materials, you will soon note that the State of California thinks pretty much any good pigment is deadly. Most professional artists routinely use deadly chemicals in their work, but since they aren’t chewing on, ingesting, or breathing their materials they are quite safe. But the labels will definitely make you worry, so I understand your concern!

The key here is to use the airbrush set with proper ventilation (as you should anyway), spray away from your face, and wash your hands after you use the set. If you want a little extra protection, wear nitrile gloves.

I do find it odd that the label said just the gun was gun was dangerous, I can’t see how this could possibly be true. It could be that the rubber gaskets might outgas slightly, but you aren’t sniffing them constantly and you would wash your hands after using the unit.

In short, this unit is likely to be as safe as any other, and if you use it as it is meant to be used there is no danger to you. Probably keep it out of reach of children, though, just to be safe.

I saw blood on my finger and licked it. If the person who had the blood is HIV+, can the virus be transmitted to me?

Vanishingly unlikely. Your saliva is your first defense against viruses. As you may have heard before, HIV is a pretty weak virus – it dies easily outside the body. You would have to rub it into an open wound. Please don’t tell me you also have an open wound in your mouth.

Also, just for hygiene’s sake, what are you doing going around licking other people’s blood off your finger? And how, exactly are you getting someone’s blood on your finger? And finally, how in the world do you know they are HIV positive?

Sounds like you are engaged in some pretty interesting activities and you might want to rethink your life.

Of course, you may have a perfectly plausible explanation as to why you are getting HIV positive blood on your finger and licking it.

is lupus a STD

Can people with Lupus pass in on to their sexual partners

Lupus is a lifelong disorder of the immune system, not an STD. Here’s some good information about it.

http://www.webmd.com/lupus/ss/slideshow-lupus-overview

Stay tuned for the next issue of Medical Advice!

Nezumi and the Box

Jokes and Humor

Today, I was packing holiday gifts. I needed a box to put them in so I bought a new one, still folded flat.

When I brought the cardboard in, my calico began investigating, of course. First she rubbed her cheek on it. Then she knocked it down and pushed it around. Then she tried to unfold the box… I saw what she was doing and opened it for her. Nezumi loved her new kitty tunnel and had fun walking through it and sitting in it.

The really amusing part (at least to me) was when she then went into her old kitty cave, another cardboard box she’s had for quite some time. Now I heard her scrabbling around in the back. It was obvious what was going on. Having learned about how boxes could be unfolded, and how the flaps came open in the back, she was looking to see if her kitty cave opened that way too!

I love my neko.

How to make your Human move off your chair

Jokes and Humor

When your human is sitting in your chair and you want to sleep in it, it cna be difficult to get them to move. Luckily, there is a strategy. As a good and cunning cat, here’s what you do.

1. Meow, look at them cutely, ask for pettings.

2. Meow some more, move over to the couch. Gesture at them to follow.

3. When human moves to couch, meow and accept pettings. It’s best to reward your human for good behavior.

4. Hop up on your chair while it’s still warm, and fall asleep. Your human will be fine on the couch.

Arizona Monsoon Probability Chart

Jokes and Humor

Arizona Monsoon Precipitation Probability Chart

If the weather forecaster says we’re going to have a 10% chance of rain, it will probably at least sprinkle.

If she says 20%, it will definitely sprinkle.

If she says 30%, it will rain.

If she says 40%, break out the wipers and umbrellas.

If she says 50%, get ready to be soaked.

If she says 60%, get the boats.

If she says 70%, get IN the boats.

If she says 80%, better expect a big thunderstorm too.

If she says 90%, you might get blown away on top of it all.

And if she says it’s 100% chance of rain with heavy thunderstorms, flooding, and hurricane force gales, and everybody lays out sandbags, and offices close down, and people stay off the roads…

… it might sprinkle.

How to cook beans in Nevada!

Classic Skills, Food and Cooking, Jokes and Humor

You will need: A bucket, water filter, rope, river, ground, firewood, paper, matches, a pot, spices, salt, a grate, rocks, a long stick whittled into a spoon, a large plastic tub of some kind, a water bottle, and beans.

First, take the bucket and the rope to the river. Carefully lower the bucket into the river and fill it with water. Haul the bucket up and take it back to camp.

Pump the water from the bucket through the filter and into water bottles. Take beans, add to large plastic container, and put water over the top. Set in the sun. Spend the next several hours going to town or doing camp chores.

Once the beans are somewhat softened, start a fire in the fire pit. Place the pot over it on the grate. The grate is probably something simple, like a wire rack balenced on rocks or cinder blocks. Put the softened beans in the pot, with more water, spices and salt. Bring to a boil and simmer for a couple of hours.

If you want super deluxe wonderful beans, add rice or possibly hot dog chunks during the last hour. Stir with clean hand-whittled wooden spoon. Boil till beans are soft, place in bowls, and wait for the whole mess to cool down…

Eat for breakfast and lunch the next day, or until you run out, and it’s time to make beans again.

These instructions will also work in northern Idaho.

The Tale of the Goat-Dog

Jokes and Humor

Our family had a goat when I was younger. A fairly large white Saanen milk goat. She definitely had her quirks and eccenticitries. Her home was somewhat improvised, and we often had difficulty keeping her deer-like little teeth away from our fruit trees, but we had her for years and she was a good friend.

She was a five year old blue ribbon winning 4-H goat when we got her. She had papers and her registered name was Kandoe. As with many high-falutin animals, she had a “barn name,” and we called her Candy. At one poitn I painted “Lieutenant Kan-doe, Officer in charge of Beverage Supply” on the door of the shed where she lived for a while. Her ways were odd, and learning to milk was a strange experience. We made cheese sometimes too.

The fun part was when I would take her for walks around the neighborhood. Our lot was maybe a third of an acre and we lived in a poor neighborhood in the middle of a bunch of other houses. Since forage in our yard grew scarce, and I wanted to supplement her varied needs for browse, I would take her out with a collar and leash. We’d walk by vacant areas with lots of blackberry vines, and down by the beach where the grass was tall, and plenty of other interesting places.

So this is where the “goat-dog” comes in. Once when I was walking her, some kids from the neighborhood asked me waht kind of dog that was! My parents and I were astounded. We were somewhat in the country, after all. How could anyone see a goat, with yellow bar-pupiled eyes, side-pointing stiff goat-ears, pendulous udders, and little flappy tail, and a BEARD, and think this was a dog? Candy was a great goat but she made a really funny looking canine!

I was Rickrolled by Yahoo!

Jokes and Humor

Today I was cleaning up a link list on a writer’s website I maintain. I had an old Geocities site on there so I went to it in order to see if it was still up. I went to the site, and found that it had a note from Yahoo that said “Geocities closed in 2009” and had a video of the 1987 Rick Astley song, “Never Gonna Give you Up.” I laughed so hard! People used to do that all the time as a prank. They’d trick others into clicking on links that led to that song.

How many others remember “Rickrolling?”