The amazing pineapple cure!

There is an amazing new cure that has been discovered, which will bless all humanity.  The results speak for themselves.  In the words of Jane Shirtwhistle of Toledo, Ohio:

“I used to weigh 462 pounds on a 4’11” frame.  This was caused by eating fast food all the time and never using anything but the drive through.  I had acne everywhere, I didn’t want to leave the house.  I was tired all the time.  I couldn’t digest my food properly either and I was bloated for most of the day.  My life was miserable!  I tried doctor after doctor, medication after medication.  By the end of 2017 I was taking 23 pills a day with no relief.  My dogs were bored because I wouldn’t walk with them.   I wasn’t sure where to turn.

“Finally my best friend, who is a raw foods advocate and has an organic pineapple farm, convinced me to try the pineapple cure.  She sold me a juicer and showed me how to shave the rind and crown leaves into strands fine enough to consume.  It was pretty fibrous but I persevered, drinking lots of filtered water along with it.

“At first it was really hard, eating a whole, organic pineapple a day, and the strings kept getting caught in my teeth.  I wanted my burgers and pizza and french fries and everything else I was  used to.  But in less than a day, nearly all cravings stopped.  I added lemon to my water and the rest of them stopped.  I started sleeping through the night and my acne was gone within a week.

“After the first week of eating one whole pineapple and a gallon of a day, I noticed that my hair stopped falling out and my blemishes were going away.  My body felt nourished.  I started having energy.  My friend guided me to adding salads for my evening meal but she reminded me not to add anything else.  She explained that I started moving around more.

“It’s been six months since the pineapple cure.  I’ve lost over a hundred pounds and am still losing.  I’m able to just eat half an organic pineapple a day, along with a gallon of water and triple washed, organic vegetables and fruits that I grow in my garden.  I’ve learned that the skin of the pineapple and the leaves help replenish the nutrients that we no longer get with our nutrient poor, Westernized diet.  I am off all my medications and I’m once again enjoying walks with my dogs.  I feel energized, revitalized and like I am in control of my life again.  Thank you, pineapple cure!”

You, too, can be like Jane.  If you want to eat a whole organic pineapple a day, you can, and it will have incredible benefits.  But you no longer have to.  For just a few dollars a day, you can use our freeze dried and purified pineapple powder, certified to contain all parts of the plant for a nourishing, whole health solution.  It comes in easy to use packets that are convenient for work, home, and travel.  You will enjoy lymphatic purification, whole body fat reduction, a cessation to cravings, stronger, healthier skin and hair, and a revitalized outlook on life.  It is the easiest, safest, most convenient way to gain control over your health and your life.  Some of our successful patients have also reported that mood disorders have disappeared, and they no longer need psychiatric medications.  We offer a money back guarantee, but you won’t regret trying our pineapple cure!

Of course, this is not something I’m truly suggesting.  It’s an example of what happens when quack cures are supported by testimonial based “evidence.”  I wrote this up out of whole cloth to demonstrate the key warning signs to look out for when trying to avoid quackery.  It’s getting harder to avoid, too, because quacks are getting better and better at slinging believable sounding medical terminology.

Here are some things to look out for when watching out for quackery:

Authors who only have degrees outside the medical profession.  For example, one totally quacktastic book I just read was written by someone who started out as a chemist and then had “thirty years in private practice” with no mention of medical credentials.  Chemistry is important to biology, of course, but you also need a good knowledge of physiology and a host of other subjects.

Textwalls containing lots of big words that don’t necessarily go together.  Some quacks will try to dazzle you with twenty dollar words that they hope you won’t analyze.

Testimonials.  If there’s no mention of peer reviewed studies, watch out.  Testimonials are often just made up by an imaginative writer but they can be strangely convincing.

Mention of parasites.  For the sake of good taste, I didn’t include passing a giant worm as part of what my “patient” went through, but that often comes up.  When in doubt, gross ’em out!  It deactivates the logic centers in your brain.

An overly restrictive plan.  Most of the time when someone says “you can lose x amount of weight by only drinking some exotic shake, eating some exotic fruit, etc, you can look out for the sound of ducks.

Hearkening to the “golden age.”  The fallacy of the golden age is commonly used.  Though there is a grain of truth to it, there’s usually a lot of exaggeration meant to scare you into opening your wallet.  Basically, it boils down to “we eat and drink nothing but poisons now, it’s a wonder we’re not all dead, when just a hundred years ago the soil was clean and the air was clean and everybody was happy and the kids were all well behaved and nobody was fat and there was a rainbow every day.”

The “Cure” being an exclusive line of products.  Obviously, this is a clear sign that someone’s main interest is selling you something.

Medically significant conditions cured by insignificant actions.  Again, there is sometimes a grain of truth to this, but in general you aren’t going to cure a significant disease just by eating a certain food or taking a certain supplement.  Especially if that supplement only provides testimonials as proof.

Any mention of homeopathy.  Again, for the sake of good taste, I didn’t put that in the testimonial, but take a really hard look at anyone who advocates homeopathic remedies.  You can see why by looking at the history of the “remedy,” and The Economist featured a good article about it here. 

Remember – don’t believe me just because I said it, think about what I said and the examples I gave and see if it make sense to you.  We all owe it to ourselves to evaluate what we do with our own health, get a good understanding of what’s involved, and question things if they don’t make sense.

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