To her last breath, she limits and binds

My grandmother is nearly 95.  She is getting more and more confused with her letters, which is to be expected.  Yet, the parts of her letters which are not confused indicate all that she has left in her mind – and that is fear and limitation.

I try to let her know what’s going on in my life.  My novels, my art, my quest for a fitter body.  She’s proud of me, and yet every time she says that she also suggests i do less.  I say I take a walk every day.  She says maybe I should make it shorter.  I say I’m doing art every day for Inktober.  She says maybe I should do some art and leave it for the rest day if I can’t finish.

It’s maddening!  This poor woman has spent her whole life lying to herself, praying for forgiveness, pinning her hopes on things she can’t control, giving up her  self control and her power, all while trying to control others with passive aggressiveness.

I don’t want to be told to do less, to pace myself, that it’s okay if I don’t finish today.  That’s what held me down and that’s what I’m setting myself free of.  I don’t want to be held down anymore.  I want to fly.

If by some miracle, despite all lack of medical care, I were to reach the ripe old age of 95 – and I were also to have a younger woman I called granddaughter – I would want to tell her “you go!  Do your best!  I’m proud of you!  Fly high!”

5 thoughts on “To her last breath, she limits and binds

  1. I understand. And go and do what you can as long as you can. I have a granddaughter who is very driven. She’s beautiful, smart, is on a full ride scholarship to become a doctor. She loves soccer and basketball also, and is very good at it. She started very young having problems with ankles, wears special braces. Now it’s the hips. Only twenty, she’ll need surgery on both already. But she plays full out on both sports. So go for it. It’s your decision.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s probably an old generation thing. My mother always says my dreams are too big and that I must come down to earth. 😀
    We agree with what they’re saying because of our love but we don’t necessarily do it because we love ourselves, too.. actually more, and we must not lie to ourselves. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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